Just me

The peace and serenity continue. I didn't think it was possible to feel this.... well. I feel better than I did prior to taking the medicine. I wonder why that is.

I still have the week spells at times, but only a couple of times a week. My only major problem has been insomnia. I take an anbien and still have trouble sleeping at times. But everything can't be perfect.

I'm not manic. I'm not depressed and having suicidal thoughts. I'm just.... me. And it feels great.

Update

I haven't put the poison in my system for three days, and I feel amazing. In the past three days, I've had maybe two outbursts and they were minor by comparison. Previously, I had at least two per day.

I feel such peace and serenity. God, You are so awesome. Thank You so much.

I hope it keeps up. I haven't felt this peaceful in a long time.

Heat, coursing through my veins. Out of my fingertips. Electricity. Flames trying to burst out of my very soul, my heart. It's unreal. It's like, literally, seeing red.......

It's a nightmare.

Then peace..... so thankful for the periods of peace. They are my sanity.

Lamictal is evil

Lamictal is an evil poison that I have been putting in my body. It was intended to stabilize my mood swings, but it's made me crazy as hell. I have experienced the following side effects:

-crazy ass mood swings. I'll go into a fit of rage and say things I didn't think was capable of crossing my lips. This has happened on a daily basis. It's like I'm not in control of my body or mind. I'm talking throwing things and stuff.

-occasional suicidal thoughts. Not something I'd act on, but thoughts like, Wouldn't things be a lot easier if that truck just hit me right now while I'm driving?

-Crying jags (see prior post)

-All over itchiness. It feels crazy. I'm clawing my skin up. I probably look like a junkie. A rash is a side effect of lamictal, but I haven't had a visible rash-just crazy itchiness. It's maddening.

-Muscle aches. One morning I woke up and it felt like I'd run a marathon the day before, but I hadn't done anything.

These are the side effects they DON'T tell you about on the drug sites, but I've found message boards where people have had similar effects. I've been on it for three weeks and my psych gave the green light to go cold turkey from it. I'm slightly afraid of the withdrawal symptoms (which are heinous, per some people), but I'd rather get the crap out of my system. The sooner, the better.

These angry mood swings feel like a horrible nicotine withdrawal, if anyone has ever experienced it. Awful! I can't stop the words from coming out of my mouth!!! This is the problem I was having prior to taking the meds, but it is a thousand times worse. I'll have one of these spells about 3-5 times per day, EVERY DAY. Poor Dav. He's bore the brunt of it. I love him so much for putting up with my crap. I only threw one fit yesterday. I was proud of myself. David told me to "calm down" and I told him I wasn't upset. Then proceeded to get upset. Picture a two year old throwing a fit in a store.

Yeah, that bad.

Well, it would seem as I have gotten my wish. My mania has subsided. It has been replaced with a thick blanket of moroseness. Welcome back to depression, Ash.

I had a crying jag last Thursday after hearing of oil washing up on my beloved Ship Island. It happened again today. I think it's a combination of things causing it, but I don't think this new medication is helping things at all. I'm stressed over my long hours at work, I'm really feeling sad and helpless over the oil spill, and a few other things (see life in the 769 blog). This is a bitch. I'd gladly take the mania back at this time.

I feel numb.

I seemed to have found the right amount of b12. 2000 mcg. I took that yesterday and didn't have a manic episode. I felt pretty great yesterday. I got a little stir crazy sitting inside all day, so on one of my 15 minute breaks I took a walk and snapped some pretty photos of cloud formations and trees and such. It was refreshing to get some fresh air.

I'm sleepy this morning because I had to get up at six am, and my body is not used to waking until around 9:30 or so. I brought a thermos of coffee to work which I shared with a coworker. I'm speeding now, but in a good way. I feel productive. I'm working overtime at work (working 60 hours this week). I get off at four and have Bible study at 6:30. Going to try to get to bed a little earlier tonight because I have the same schedule tomorrow.

I can do this!!!!!

Just another manic Tuesday...

So I am going through a bout of mania at the moment. I'd like to say I'm used to it, but I'm not. I don't anyone ever gets used to feeling like they are on speed, but aren't. The one good thing is that I'm not snapping at people and biting their heads off. But my mind, and my mouth, are still going ninety miles an hour. Ugh.............................................................................

I found myself striking up conversations with two complete sets of strangers at Burger King and Walgreens. Hell, I went to Burger King just to try to get some Twilight Saga:Eclipse swag, which they stated they haven't gotten in yet, contrary to the commercials.

Oops... never mind about the snapping at people. Can I chalk it up to PMS?